As parents, we take great pains and great care in choosing and providing the best for our children. In terms of nutrition, we make sure that our children eat safe, quality food, and often choose organic and whole foods over the more questionable ones and we make sure they continue drinking growing up formula to ensure they get all the nutrients they need for their optimal cognitive and physical development should they be missing out on any of them in their diets during their formative years. After all, we want our children to grow up strong and healthy.

But what about emotional development and character development? All parents want to raise children who will grow up to be successful ─ not just in scoring As in school or getting paper qualifications ─ but to have children who will have the kind character that will lead them to success as they grow up.

Self Discipline is the Key to Success

“Success is a journey, not a destination” said world tennis champion Arthur Ashe. It means you have to work at it. For success to be reached, good character must prevail. Character determines how much self-discipline one has to achieve one’s goals, and how well one fits in groups and society, whether in school, at home, with friends or in other social settings.

Rudeness, defiance, demanding, unruly, loud and out-of-control aggressive or hyperactive behaviour or clinginess, whininess always complaining, always refusing to accept new situations and being impossible at bedtime, study time, mealtimes and in public places are hardly traits anyone would find appealing.

Nobody likes or wants to be with a difficult child. How then will he fit into peer groups or behave in school, listen to the teacher, follow rules, do his homework and generally follow the path that will lead to a better future in life?

The answer is discipline. Discipline is the key to building a child’s character[1]. In fact, it is the backbone that forms a person’s character. A child with a disciplined life has guidance in habits, conduct, manners in behaviour and also in speech.

Learning Self Control

Disciplining a child means teaching him how to be responsible for his own actions and how to have self-control over his impulses. He must learn consequences and boundaries and also the difference between right and wrong, as well as virtues and values such as courtesy and respectful behaviour.

One of the most important areas to begin teaching is helping him self-control. Young children of often react through physical action. If they want something such as a toy, they will just lunge and grab it, even if the toy is in another child’s hands. The result will be a tussle between two screaming, fighting children and the situation will be explosive. This is where imposing discipline on the child will help stop negative impulses and control their urges.

How to Draw the Fine Line between Consequence and Reward

Saying “No!” “No!” “No!” to a child 50 times a day is not going to work and you know it. If everything a toddler hears from you is “No!” he is going to tune out and become immune[2] to it. Besides, saying “no” to all your child’s requests all the time is just going to make him do it behind your back. It can also be harmful[3] as children need the opportunity to try new things. Don’t be too afraid to be less restrictive and let go and let him do the things that are good for his development. Otherwise, he will never learn independence.

Try not to resort to shouting and hitting either especially when dealing with a tantrum that just won’t stop. Anyone, including the most well-meaning of parents, can come to the end of their tether.

But repeated shouting, criticising and hitting can adversely affect a child in the long run. It creates “toxic stress[4]” which can have negative outcomes such as falling grades, higher chances of school deliquency, loss of self-esteem and confidence, anxiety, mental issues such as depression, heart disease and even suicide.

The most effective way to discipline a child is therefore to discipline positively. The child must learn that there consequences for their actions. These consequences shouldn’t be issued as casual threats but must be carried out as warned. However, consequences could be making them clean up the mess they made.

Rather than dishing out punishment and what not to do, positive discipline encourages developing a healthy relationship with the child and setting expectations around behaviour. Bad behaviour gets consequences and good behaviour gets rewards.

Here are some strategies parents can use:

1: Spend One-on-One Time Together

The point of doing this is to build a relationship with your child and also to repair the parent-child bond that might have had its abrasive moments in the course of the day. You can spend 15, 20 minutes or even five minutes a day, just playing together and talking with each other one-on-one. Knowing how busy parents are, these moments can be combined with singing songs, chatting with each other while you wash the dishes or do the laundry. Depending on the age of the child, he can even help out with the lighter side of the chores while the both of you continue a conversation. One-on-one time[5] tells the child he matters and that you are paying attention to him.

2: Communicate Your Expectations Clearly

“Stop making a mess!” or “Be a good boy!” are not clear instructions to a child. A lot of times, children don’t understand what is required of them because they can’t grasp the abstract concept of making a mess or being a good boy.

Instead of saying “No…, Don’t…, Stop…” give your child positive and clear instructions as to what they should and can do. Give them a mental picture that describes the expectation clearly[6] when you give them the instruction. For example, “Please pick up all your toys and put them in the box”, conveys a clearer and more precise message to the child than “stop making a mess”.

Other clear and specific instructions include: “Walk into the house” (instead of “Stop jumping and running around”), “You can drive your toy cars on the floor” (rather than “Don’t play with your toys all over the place”).

However, while setting these expectations, it is important to be fair and realistic. Asking a child to sit quietly in the chair for a whole day may not be as achievable as asking for 10 minutes of silence while you take a phone call. When giving instructions to your child, set them up so they succeed.

3: Stop Negative Attention-Seeking Behaviour

As parents, we often focus on our child’s bad behaviour and reprimand them for it. Be careful about focussing solely on the negatives as the child will read this as a way of getting your attention. They will purposely perpetuate poor conduct to annoy us because they know they will be noticed and get your attention.

Attention-seeking behaviour[7] in children is an action or a set of actions they will carry out with the goal of getting noticed by others. The target is usually the parents, or grandparents and other caregivers. Attention-seeking behaviour is a form of emotional dependence. Some attention-seeking behaviours include throwing tantrums, whining, crying, interrupting, lying, arguing and constantly talking about or showing their achievements to get recognition and praise.

How should parents handle that? Give him positive attention. Point No: #1 is a good example of how to give positive attention. Give him the attention he craves at designated times convenient to you. This will also teach him structure. He may even look forward to these times to speak his mind with you. Listen to his point of view.

Other strategies you can apply are:

A) Help him address the issue by asking them what the problem is. If he is not too young, he may tell you that you ignored him when he tried to show you the picture he had drawn or that you did not play with him when he wanted you to. Then explain why you were not able to give him the attention he wanted at the time.

B) Addressing the problematic behaviour together. When he has calmed down, discuss the issue and tell him that this kind of behaviour is unacceptable. Then set your expectations as in Point No:# 2. But as mentioned in Point No:# 2, you must be fair and honest to both yourself and him. Was it your fault in the first place? Did you promise him something but failed to keep your promise? Did you, in any way, make him feel undervalued or deceived? It may be the reason why he is acting out in anger as he wants to prevent you from disappointing and ignoring him again.

4: Reward Your Child by Giving Praise, Encouragement, and Affection

The attention that children want includes approval, praise, affection and reassurance. Children want all these from you because it makes them feel secure, loved, special and wanted.

Praising your child, giving him encouragement for good behaviour, is therefore motivation and a reward to him because it shows he has earned your approval. All children want their parents’ approval. They want to know if they make their parents proud of them. Used in conjunction with discipline, praise is a powerful tool[8] to reinforce desirable behaviour and minimise negative behaviour.

So, instead of focusing on his bad behaviour and meting out criticism or punishment, focus on his good behaviour and praise him every time you see him behaving well. This is called Positive Reinforcement. Praise your child immediately after the action. Praise often and praise genuinely. Sometimes, praises do not have to use words. A touch of the hand, a hug or a pat on the back is just as effective if not more. Praising him also tells the child that you have been noticing all the good things he does and that you’re proud of him.

Look for opportunities throughout the day to praise him for his good behaviour[9]. For example:

When you see your child sitting quietly and engaged in appropriate activity, say “I really appreciate how you are sitting there so quietly and playing nicely with your toys.”

When you see your child sharing with his friends or family, say: “I saw you sharing your toys with your friends/siblings. I am so proud of you!”

When your child offers to help or is deferential towards his elders or older people, say: “I saw how you helped Aunty…/Uncle…and greeted them so courteously. You are so respectful!”

5: Set Up Consequences and Carry Them Out No Matter What

Learning the consequences of his actions is an integral part of discipline. When children experience the results of their actions, they learn to make better choices and they learn how not to give in to their impulses and self-control.

Consequences[10] should be conveyed to the child beforehand. Explaining the consequences of bad behaviour gives your child the opportunity to make his own decisions about which route he should take. For example, if you want him to stop scribbling on the walls, tell them to stop or you will end his play time. This provides him with a warning and an opportunity to change their behaviour.

If he chooses not to stop, you must follow through with the consequences calmly. Following through regardless of how he reacts, also shows the child you mean what you say and that your words should not be taken lightly. If he does stop, however, praise him well.

When teaching your child about consequences, you must also be consistent. Consistency[11] is the key to helping your child learn that he can’t get away with bad behaviour. If he hits his sibling five times but he only gets his electronics taken away three times, then he learns that you’re not serious about what you say and that he can get away with bad behaviour.

Could Food and Child Behaviour be Linked?

A child may exhibit difficult, cantankerous behaviour due to many reasons. In some children, poor diets may be associated with behavioural problems[12], sleep issues and emotional and psychological problems. Children who consume unhealthy foods such as too much saturated fats, trans fats, high salt, high amounts of sugar and processed, refined foods can have trouble concentrating or become easily fatigued, listless or irritable. If a child does not eat regularly, or get enough Omega-3 fatty acids or consumes too much or too little iron[13], he could experience mood swings, become cranky and depressed and this can influence his behaviour.

Certainly, child behaviour and food[14] have been found to be closely linked.

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