International speaker and author Yehuda Berg once stated: “Words are singularly the most powerful force available to humanity. We can choose to use this force constructively with words of encouragement, or destructively using words of despair. Words have energy and power with the ability to help, to heal, to hurt, to harm, to humiliate and to humble.”

As parents, we are in a position of authority as our children look up to us for guidance and support. Our authority over them is a responsibility, not a privilege, and the words we choose to use on them can build them up or tear them down, encourage or discourage or hurt or heal.

Because our children are at an impressionable age, the effect our words have on them can be for life[1].

Can you remember what your own parents said to you that has affected you and your mindset to this day? Those words may have been positive or negative and may have been said a long time ago but they entered your mind, essence and foundation and shaped your mindset into what it is today.

Likewise, what we say to our children today will shape his mindset for tomorrow.

Our words can impact his brain growth, mood, mental health, emotional wellbeing, self-esteem and confidence. These words, will in turn, shape his self-image, his attitude and behaviour, and most of all, his relationship with you.

Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

As parents, it is not easy to deal with our children’s daily demands or misbehaviour given our hectic timetables and lifestyle but sometimes, in the heat of the moment, we may snap at our child and tell him that he is “good for nothing” or “so lazy” or “slow”. If we continue disparaging him with these hurtful, negative labels, he will incorporate your beliefs about him into his self-image and become exactly what you say he is in a self-fulfilling prophecy[2].

For example, if you label your child as “picky” just because he does not like the feel of his new shoes or does not like the taste of certain food, after a while, it will seem like you indeed have a picky child. You notice this trait and your words and actions reflect this perception. Soon, your child will begin to see himself as picky and may become more demanding and finicky over time.

Even labels meant to praise can have their consequences. If you keep calling your child “princess” or “king”, it can lead to the child believing they are entitled and have their demands met all the time. When “princess” or “king” is asked to pick up their toys, they may refuse because it’s too much work for a princess or king. Worse still is when they expect their “servants” to do it for them.

Labelling affects the way children see themselves. Over time, they will become what you see them as being.

Words have the power to create a reality even if that reality comes from your perception. Because you label him as such, you too will believe in the way you describe him to be.

So be careful of the way you think and speak of him. If you call him “naughty”, “trouble maker”, or whatever label you can think of branding him with ─ he will make your prophecy come true.

Using Shame as a Discipline Tactic

Not only do these words create an image of him ─ for him and for you ─ they are also hurtful and demeaning.

Shaming[3] a child in the way you describe him to others ─ “Don’t ask him to help out, he can’t do anything right”, or in the way you scold him ─ “You’re a bad child! ”─ makes a child wrong for feeling, wanting or needing something.

A lot of times a child is criticised or shamed because the parent wants to discipline or control his behaviour.

“Stop acting like a spoilt child! Other children are not behaving like you!”

When you frequently use shame as a discipline tactic, your child will start seeing you as the person who hurts him instead of someone who loves and cares for him. And if it is done in public such as among relatives at a gathering or at school, he will blame you if others also start using the same language as you used on him. People always “follow the leader”. As the parent and authority over your child, you inadvertently give others permission to denigrate your child the same way.

Children learn self-awareness and self-conscious emotions such as shame, guilt, pride and embarrassment at around the age of 15 months to two years[4] when they start learning language and acquire understanding of the things they hear about themselves.

Through shaming words, they will begin internalising thoughts like, “I am bad” or “I can’t do anything right”. Over time, these internalised feelings will erode his self-esteem and his emerging sense of self. Damaged self-esteem and self-image alongside damage done to the parent-child relationship, is hard to repair.

Words Impact His Brain Development

If children’s emotional needs are criticized, dismissed, and constantly judged upon, they absorb these limiting messages and take this belief into adulthood where it will impact all areas of his life including his academic performance, relationships with everyone, physical health and even mental health.

In a neuroscience experiment ─ Do Words Hurt[5] ─ scientists monitored brain responses to words and proved that painful or negative words released stress and anxiety-inducing hormones in subjects. This study was reiterated in the book “Words Can Change Your Brain[6]”, where the authors Andrew Newberg, MD and Mark Waldman say: “A single negative word can increase the activity in our amygdala (the fear centre of the brain). This releases dozens of stress-producing hormones and neurotransmitters, which in turn interrupts our brains’ functioning.”

Positive Words Can Heal

However, just as negative words can harm, positive words can heal. The same authors say positive words, “can alter the expression of genes, strengthening areas in the frontal lobes and promoting the brain’s cognitive functioning.”

This means that by using positive words at home, parents can support the child’s healthy brain development, cognitive functioning and psychological development.

How can parents harness the power of positive words to help children develop into resilient, curious, creative, empathetic, self-aware, resourceful and honest adults?

Here are eight[7] ways:

• Listen carefully to your children. Don’t dismiss what they have to say or brush them off as if they are unimportant.
• Young children are just beginning to learn language and its meaning. Be curious and ask your children what a word means to them as sometimes they may not understand what you are saying, or misinterpret its meaning and take words that were not meant to hurt as criticisms.
• Be present for them. Put away your phone, make time for them and live in the moment.
• Remember the power of positive words on your child’s cognitive development and self-esteem.
• Remember the power of negative words on your child’s brain function and psychological development.
• Remember what it was like to be a child. Most children don’t think very far and act on impulse. They also cannot distinguish between impulses and actions and why what they are doing may be wrong.
• Separate the child from the behaviour and call out the misbehaviour and not the child.
• Parent from the heart.

How to use Positive Language Correctly

Using positive language[8] in the family takes a bit of re-learning and re-framing of your sentences. Try replacing “Don’t” with “Do”. Tell your child what you want them to stop doing and what you would like them to do instead. Instead of saying, “Don’t climb on the counter”, say, “Keep your feet on the floor”. This gives the child a clear picture of what you want him to do and how he can change the direction of what he is doing. In the end, this will to less backchat, tantrums, and power struggles in the home.

Here are some ways you can reframe your words:

• Stop running in the house!: Please walk in the house, I wouldn’t want you to have an accident. If you want to run, let’s go in the garden.
• Don’t take your sister’s toys!: Can you please find something else to play with until she’s done?
• Stop yelling!: Please use your inside voice, there’s no need to shout.

(Do remember that if you, as a parent, like to shout and behave in an irritable manner, you can’t really expect your child not to follow suit. Children are only mimicking you. Lead by example)

• Don’t throw that ball in the house!: You can take the ball outside to play if you’d like.
• No hitting!: Be gentle please, use your gentle hands.
• Stop whining!: Please use your words so I can hear you.
• Don’t even think about running, I’m watching you!: I’m so glad to see you remembering to walk safely down the hall, well done!

Other Ways[9] where Positive Language can lead to a Calmer Household:

• Offer a Choice: When you provide your child with a choice of things to do or wear or go, he is more likely to select the options you have given as it makes him feel that he is in control. This strategy also works for you as a parent because you approve of either choice.
• Tell your Child “when”: Instead of saying “no”, say “when”. For example, if your child wants to go to the park, you could say, “The park sounds like a great idea but I need to finish this letter for my work right now. Would you like to go after your nap today or tomorrow after breakfast?”
• Use “first-then” Language: Another way to tell a child when he can do something in a positive way is to use a “first-then” statement. For example, if he wants to watch TV but you would like for him to pick up his toys, you could say “First, pick up your toys and then you may watch TV.”
• Help your Child to Remember: Use “I remember” statements. Instead of saying “How many times have I told you, you cannot run outside without wearing your shoes!” say: “I remember you need to put your shoes on before you can go outside.” Stating the information as a simple fact, rather than an admonishment or a command, gives him the information he needs to make the right choice on his own without blaming him or making him feel like he has failed.

Finally, it is important to acknowledge that words, whether used positively or negatively, applies to parents themselves. It is too easy to react to a trigger but remember ─ words said in anger cannot be taken back. Parents owe it to themselves and to their children to find pathways to using positive language to increase the entire family’s harmony and well-being.