Have you ever seen kids cause a huge commotion in a shopping mall demanding that their parents buy them the toy that they want right now?

Or, you’re at home cooking or doing a chore that requires concentration and your child is whining, crying and tugging at you to drop whatever you’re doing and pay attention to him?

Such behaviour can be called bratty, selfish, spoilt, and entitled. Children learn from very young that if they throw a fit or pick a fight or be defiant to demand what they want, they can control their world including their parents and make them do or give them what they want. If this behaviour is allowed to carry on as they grow into adults, they will not only wind up running the entire family but will also struggle in relationships and have trouble with teachers and classmates and later at the workplace and in society as a whole.

It is understandable that parents want to give their children their best life but when they overindulge or overprotect and never draw boundaries or say “no”, it can backfire and cause the child to develop unrealistic expectations in their interaction with others and with the wider world around them.

When others see someone as self-centered, controlling, volatile, demanding, and inconsiderate[1], they will want to stay away. Entitled people will often cause conflict and trouble at work, at home and in the community.

What is Entitlement?

Did you know that control is a sign of entitlement? Whenever people start controlling other people it is usually because they feel like they are entitled to do that to everyone in order to get something they want.

So what is the meaning of entitlement really?

According to Nicholeen Peck[2], one of the world’s most effective parenting experts on fixing child behavioral issues, entitlement is a feeling that a person needs to be in control of everything and that through manipulation or other means, they should be able to get everything they want − whether it’s a certain treatment like admiration or recognition or praise, or things like a new gaming console or toy or lollipop, or experiences like a free pass to get through without following rules or regulations. Entitlement, in other words, is a feeling of deserving something, even though they haven’t done anything to earn it.

Common Signs of Entitlement

All of the above point to entitlement as having a self-absorbed view of the world with little regard or empathy for their impact of others. A sense of entitlement goes hand-in-hand with narcissism[3] which is one of the many antisocial personality disorders such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder that develops from young. There is no cure[4] from this type of disorder.

Entitled people exhibit these common signs[5]:

• Need for special treatment: Their view is – “The world owes me.”
• High demands: No matter what they have, they always believe they deserve more, but will not put any effort to earn the “more” that they desire.
• Expect others to do things for them: They feel everyone should bend backwards to help them.
• Prioritise their own needs: They put their own personal needs before anybody else’s but if you need help, don’t expect them to help you.
• Melodramatic: When someone doesn’t give in to their demands, they will cause a big scene.
• Lack of gratitude: Entitled people are not grateful for what they have in life. They believe it is their right to have everything so they don’t value anything.
• Victim mentality: Entitled people often act like victims and always blame others or outside forces for their problems. This way, they avoid being accountable for their actions.
• Need for constant praise: Constantly demands praise, attention and admiration from others.
• Entitlement about money, material things and people: Because their sense of entitlement is pervasive across all areas of their lives, they have a sense of entitlement over money, possessions and friends.

9 Signs Your Child Has an Entitled “Me, Me, Me” problem:

Obviously, entitled people are not pleasant to be with because they hurt other people’s feelings, are arrogant and create hostility and conflict with others[6]. Entitlement has its seeds in childhood. Does your child exhibit entitlement issues? Here are nine signs[7]:

• Expects bribes and rewards for good behaviour
• Wants instant gratification
• Rarely lifts a finger to help
• Is more concerned about himself or herself than others
• Blames other people or situations when things go wrong
• Can’t handle disappointment
• Needs a treat to go to the store
• Expects to be rescued from his mistakes
• Feels like the rules don’t apply to them
• Constantly wants more and more and more

Causes of Entitlement

Experts say these traits could be hereditary or due to childhood trauma but it could also be caused by upbringing that could be termed as over-parenting, over-indulging, over-praising and over-pampering[8]. When parents are overly invested in their children’s happiness, comfort and success, always making sure no adversity or obstacles stand in their way, it can result in entitled children expecting to get whatever they want whenever they want it.

Do bear in mind that very young children below the age of four haven’t yet developed the “theory of mind” or the ability to understand others in a social world[9]. So don’t jump to conclusions that you are doomed to raise entitled kids when they throw tantrums to demand for things or say and do things that are selfish, self-serving and hurtful. Their brain, at this age isn’t ready to imagine someone else’s experience so it may be harder to foster empathy at this time. However, by age four onwards, the child should be actively taught that they will not always get their way and that not getting their way will often feel bad.

Most parents don’t deliberately set out to raise entitled, narcissistic children, and not all children who exhibit entitlement traits go on to develop Narcissistic Personality Disorder[10].

But if you notice the above traits exhibited all the time as they grow older, and you notice that you are inadvertently feeding their sense of entitlement, there are some things you can stop doing[11] to turn the tide of entitlement.

Parenting Mistakes that Give Children a Sense of Entitlement

1: Treating Children as Your Peers

Parents who put their children at the same level as themselves or who treat their children as their peers and not their child, are more likely to produce entitled children. Instead of asking your four-year-old, “do you want to take your bath now?”, tell her, “In five minutes it’s going to be bath time.” This gives the child time to put away her things and prepare for the bath while you maintain your authority. Always make sure you maintain the parent-child hierarchy.

2: Giving Children Equal Say in Decisions

Like the first point above, children should not be treated as adults and be given equal say in decisions. At their age, they are impulsive and emotional and lack the experience or analytical thinking to make proper decisions. Children can be informed and have a sense of engagement in the matter but they shouldn’t have a say in anything and everything. The final decision lies with the parent.

3: Never Saying No

Life is such that we don’t always get everything we ask for and the real world can sometimes be unfair. Therefore, it’s important that children be prepared from young to the realities of the real world − the one that they will be growing into very soon. Say “no” to their requests from time to time. Let them get used to rejection and let them learn how to deal with it. Saying no should not be confined to just material things. It could also mean a parent saying no to being spoken to that way, and no, they will not clean up after the child.

4: Not Being Clear about Expectations and Consequences

Children need consistency[12] when it comes to setting household rules and regulations. When you set a time for bedtime or limit screen time, stick to it. Make sure your child understands what will happen if they fail to comply and if it happens anyway, follow through with consequences to show you mean what you say.

5: Modelling Entitled Behaviour Yourself

Children are the best imitators of their parents. Do parents expect special treatment in the restaurant or stores? Do they coerce the kindergarten or school teachers to give their children a role in the school concert or school sports? Kids watch their parents closely and will model the same entitled behaviour. So before blaming your child, take a good look in the mirror.

Positive Ways to Address Entitled Behaviour

• Give them Household Responsibilities

Taking part in household tasks is one of the most practical ways to foster a sense of responsibility and work ethic. It also teaches collaboration as part of the team of the family unit. Give age-appropriate chores like folding the laundry, washing dishes, wiping the table or even help with the food preparation during cooking. Kids who do chores will feel valued as family members and realise how they contribute to a happy household. Apart from averting a sense of entitlement (where the child has everything done for him), research[13] suggests that including chores in a child’s routine from as early as the age of three, will result in the child being more responsible, having higher self-worth, and be better equipped to deal with frustration, adversity and delayed gratification.

• Build their Resilience

What is the meaning of resilience? It is the capacity to withstand or recover quickly from disappointment or difficulties. Not holding your child’s hand all the way, allowing him to make mistakes and teaching him to problem-solve or to think on his own on how to deal with disappointments and frustration will foster a kid’s resilience.

• Practice Gratitude

Gratitude has been said to be the antidote to entitlement[14]. At its core, entitlement is the belief that the person deserves all kinds of privileges without earning them. Those with a sense of entitlement are arrogant and often fail to appreciate other people’s needs, views or even help, which can lead them to act unkindly towards others. On the flipside of entitlement is gratitude, a powerful emotion characterised by thankfulness and appreciation. Gratitude teaches humility and can promote appreciation, accountability and empathy. Teach gratitude by sending thank you cards or by simply saying thank you after receiving presents on birthdays and festivals. Another way is to take turns at mealtimes to express what one is most thankful for each day.

• Teach Financial Responsibility.

Because entitled people believe it is their right to have everything, they don’t value anything, including money, especially other people’s money, material items and anything else they covet. To prevent a sense of entitlement from taking root in children, they must be taught from a young age that money doesn’t fall from the sky. If the child wants to have an item they desire, they have to work for it and save to buy these items. Giving an allowance for chore completion helps them learn about earning money and how to budget and save for the item that they want. Better yet, if they are earning the money to buy a gift for someone else. Then you will know for sure that you are not raising an entitled child.