Having self-esteem is very important, especially for children who are just beginning to be self-aware. Up until 15 to 18 months, babies and young toddlers are not self-aware[1] and do not see themselves as being their own person. They can look in a mirror and will not realize that the reflection they are looking at is themselves.

There was an experiment developed in 1970 by psychologist Gordon Gallup Jr called the “rouge test” or “mirror test”[2] where mothers put a bit of rouge or lipstick on the noses of their children and placed them in front of the mirror. The children will look into the mirror, see the red dot and not realise it is on their own nose because they think the person in the reflection is another person.

However, when they reach 15 to 24 months, children take a huge leap in self-awareness and will begin to realize that the reflection they see is their own. They will see the red dot and will touch it or remove it from their nose.

The day they can do this is the day they begin to self-recognise. It is the time when they start to learn that they are an individual different from other people. They may begin to compare themselves to others and become more aware of their own beliefs, wants and feelings. They will also begin to realise that others’ beliefs, wants and feelings are different from their own. When they reach this level of self-consciousness, new emotions emerge such as embarrassment, guilt, pride, jealousy and empathy.

What is self-esteem?

Self esteem is liking what you see in that proverbial mirror. It is how we like, value and perceive ourselves[3] and this is based on our opinions and beliefs about ourselves. Self-esteem can also be likened to self-confidence. You feel able and good about yourself.

Why is self-esteem important for Children?

Children who feel good about themselves have the confidence to try their best at new things. They feel worthy and capable and are proud of what they can do. They are not afraid of failure and know how to cope with mistakes without blaming themselves unfairly. They recognise their own strengths and if they have failed before, they will try different ways and learn from their previous mistakes. As a result, they become more resilient and make better choices in life.

Children with healthy self-esteem feel liked, accepted and think good things about themselves. They have healthy emotional health that will help them face challenges and lead them far in life.

Conversely, children with low self-esteem criticize themselves[4] and doubt they can do things well or as good as other kids. They feel unsure of themselves, may not want to join in with groups because they think they won’t be accepted and may let others treat them badly because they have a hard time standing up for themselves. They are often afraid of trying new things because they fear failure and think more about their propensity to fail rather than the times they have succeeded. Children with low self esteem will find it hard to cope if they make a mistake, lose or fail. This may lead to them down the path of not achieving their highest potential in life.

Every parent wants their child to develop high self-esteem. Building self-esteem in a child starts very early in life, even before the baby has developed any self-awareness. You can lay the foundations for self-esteem[5] by caring for your baby, responding when your baby cries, giving them cuddles, smiles and interactions. This shows the baby that they are loved and is lovable. As they grow, here are 10 other ways you can help your child boost his or her self-esteem.

10 Ways to Boost Self Esteem in your Child

1: Help Your Child Learn to do Things: Lessons can begin from babyhood such as supporting them to take their first steps or teaching them to hold up a sippy cup or a spoon to scoop their food. Children, at this stage, are just beginning to discover their independence and will usually be eager to try doing things by themselves. This can progress to learning how to dress, put on their shoes, read, count or ride a bike. Teach them by showing and helping at first and then let them do what they can. Don’t be too quick to jump in to help if they falter or make a mistake. Let them figure things out by themselves. This is a key part of self-esteem, and that is – achieving all these new challenges by themselves and feeling proud of their achievements.

2: Allow Children to Fail: Although you may want to protect your children from failing, trial and error is how children learn. Failure will spur kids to try again and to try different ways of accomplishing what they set out to do. If at first they don’t succeed, encourage them to try and try again.

3: Praise Efforts, not just Accomplishments: Praising children for their accomplishments is good thing to do but also let them know you are proud of their efforts, progress and attitude regardless of the outcome. There is a lot of effort and work involved in learning any new skill and results are not always immediate. Let your children know you value the effort they are putting into the task at hand, whether it’s learning to count, spell or build buildings with Lego blocks. With you valuing their effort, children are more likely to keep on working towards their goal.

4: Encourage Perseverance: Perseverance is a life skill that will help children overcome challenges and failures. Life is full of challenges. Learning not to be discouraged or give up at the first frustration or failure will help children make progress when things get tough. Confidence and self-esteem are not about succeeding at everything all of the time. They are about being resilient enough to stay motivated and bounce back when faced with a setback.

5: Praise Sincerely: When giving praise to children, do so honestly and sincerely because overdoing doing it can sound patronising and fake. Children can tell when your praises are hollow and this can make them think you feel sorry for them or are manipulating them. Don’t exaggerate their accomplishments too much, don’t get too effusive and avoid using superlatives like, “You’re the best…,” “..the smartest..”, “… the most creative…”, and so on. Instead stick to specifics, like – “You’re getting very good at colouring inside the lines” or “You’ve drawn a lovely flower”, especially when the overall work is not as good as it could be.

6: Avoid Harsh Criticism: At the opposite end of praise is criticism. As parents there will always be times when we get angry with our children. To avoid saying something that you might regret later on, hold your tongue, take a deep breath or walk away. Children base their perception of themselves on messages they hear spoken about them. Calling them lazy, bad, and so on, could damage their self-esteem. Children remember these messages and over time, will likely grow up having a negative view of themselves. Of course, we can’t never scold or criticise our children. Correcting or criticising our children is part and parcel of parenting. However, do so with patience and love. The general guidelines to criticising children is to avoid criticising in front of others, avoid criticising when angry, and when criticizing, do so thoughtfully and gently.

7: Focus on Strengths: Know your children’s strengths. It could be art and craft, music, singing, maths, language, writing or even sports. Pay attention to what they do well, enjoy what they do and give them chances to develop these things. Focus more on their strengths than weaknesses, and set them up for success. This will build their self-esteem and when they feel good about themselves, it will improve their behaviour too.

8: Always Look for the Silver Lining: There’s a saying that every cloud has a silver lining. It means that when things go bad there will always be a good side to it. Instead of letting your child complain about himself or their day, help them find something that went well instead. You can try doing this: Each night before they go to sleep, have them tell you at least three good things that happened that day. This way, they will start to notice the positive things in their life rather than the negative things.

9: Give Children Chores, Choices and Responsibilities:

Self-esteem grows when a child sees that what he does matters to others. Even from a young age, give them age-appropriate chores and responsibilities. Chores can be as simple as sorting and matching socks in the laundry, or if they are old enough to fold clothes, enlist them to fold their own clothes and smaller items. They should also be allowed to make some simple choices such as deciding whether they’d like to eat sandwiches or cereal for breakfast. Giving children responsibilities and choices builds their self-esteem because the child is able to demonstrate his or her competence at the job and feel they are making a valuable contribution.

10: Be a Good Role Model: When you model the right attitude towards daily chores yourself, you set a good example to your child. Do your daily responsibilities without grumbling and complaining and take pride in a job well done. Children always mirror the attitudes and behaviours of their parents. In watching the way you do your daily tasks, your child will take pride too in doing his daily tasks, which could be making the bed, cleaning up his toys or doing homework.