Toddler tantrums can really test a parents’ patience. We’ve all experienced those meltdowns – the screaming, wailing, stomping, kicking, biting, hitting out, and even throwing themselves on the floor while rolling and thrashing around. Tantrums are common in both boys and girls. Some throw them almost everyday while others once in a blue moon. But as intense as these moments may sound, it’s all a part and parcel of bringing up children, and all a part and parcel of a child grappling with his out-of-control while growing up from a baby into an independent older child.
What lies at the root of toddler temper tantrums is his frustration of not being able to communicate his needs. As a result, he is not able to get what he wants − be it getting attention or getting a toy. At this age, he also lacks the coping mechanism to deal with his feelings. As a consequence, he just loses it and has an outburst.
Toddler tantrums are such an expected event of childhood there’s even a term for it. It’s called the “Terrible Twos” although the tantrum phase does not necessarily limit itself to the age of two.
Toddler tantrums typically begin from the age of 18 months to the age of four and peak at around age two and a half to three years old. Depending on the individual developmental trajectory of the child, some children extend this phase to age five but usually, tantrums decrease by the time they start school. This is because by this age, they would have learnt some discipline, some self-control and enough vocabulary to express their needs verbally.
Again, there are no hard and fast rules as to the timeline of these tantrums. A child may still have a crying fit at the age of eight when he wants something from the department store and you won’t buy it for him.
The Science Behind Tantrums
According to neuroscience and there are two types of tantrums: the Distress Tantrum or the Emotional Meltdown, and the Little Nero Tantrum. The former happens when the child becomes so emotionally hyper aroused and super stressed that he cannot talk or listen or reason, and the latter is where he’s using a tantrum to manipulate his parents.
1: The Distress Tantrum
Temper tantrums involve the limbic system in the lower section of the brain where the amygdala, and the hypothalamus are located.
The amygdala is responsible for emotions including anger, fear, aggression, anxiety and the fight or flight response while the hypothalamus is responsible for body temperature, mood, drive and heart rate.
When the child is triggered, notably by fear and loss such as having his toy suddenly being snatched away by another child, the amygdala detects a threat and the hypothalamus sends a message that causes the child to react. All of a sudden, his heart pounds, his hands sweat, his face goes red and he loses his temper and throws himself on the floor, kicking and crying. Even if you try to calm him down or reason with him, he won’t listen because the stress response he is experiencing has already eclipsed the thinking part of the brain located in the prefrontal cortex in the upper part of the brain. What’s worse is − being a child, he already has very limited capacity for impulse-control and inhibitions. Losing his toy like that just makes it worse.
Even adults experience this kind of self-control loss now and then. They might not roll on the floor crying but they sure can snap. An example would be road rage which we see very often on our Malaysian roads.
2: The Little Nero Tantrum
The Little Nero Tantrum happens at the prefrontal cortex located in front of the frontal lobe in the upper portion of the brain. It affects behaviour by regulating our thoughts, actions and response including decision-making and stress controllability. The prefrontal cortex takes a long time to develop and does not fully mature until the child is in his 20s.
When a child is having a Little Nero Tantrum, he is using his prefrontal cortex to get what he wants.
“The Little Nero Tantrum is very different from a Distress Tantrum in that it is about the desire to control and manipulate,” explains child psychologist Dr Margot Sunderland, author of the book The Science of Parenting: How Today’s Brain Research Can Help You Raise Happy, Emotionally Balanced Children. She goes on to say, “A child having a Little Nero Tantrum doesn’t experience or show the anguish, desperation and panic that characterizes the Distress Tantrum, and he doesn’t have stress chemicals flooding his brain and body.”
Typically, there is an absence of tears and distress and the child is able to demand and argue when you say no. As Dr Sunderland says, “It’s a power struggle.”
If the child doesn’t win, he could descend into a full-on fit complete with flailing and waterworks or he might hold his breath until he turns blue just to get the parents to give in.
If the parents give in, the child will learn that this behaviour will get him what he wants. “The more you reward this behaviour,” warns Sunderland, “the more he will continue to adopt this behaviour,” which could lead the child into becoming a bully later on in life.
Can Temper Tantrums be Prevented?
While it is a given that toddlers will have tantrums, can something be done to prevent or diffuse a situation before it escalates? Here are some suggestions:
10 Ways to Handle Toddler Tantrums
Toddler tantrums are unpredictable and situations that trigger them differ from occasion to occasion and also from family to family. However, here are some ways you could handle some of the more common scenarios.
1: Handle aggressive behaviour immediately
If your toddler gets aggressive during a tantrum such as pushing, hitting, kicking or biting, you must stop them immediately and remove them from the situation. Make it clear that hurting others is not OK and be stern about it.
2: Reward good behaviour
When you see your toddler behaving well, reward and praise and give him attention for his positive behaviour. Be specific about why you are praising him, such as “I like the way you are sharing the blocks with your sister” and tell him that you would like to see more of such behaviour.
3: If you have lost control yourself, do apologise and start over
It’s not easy to remain calm in the midst of chaos but if you find that you have raised your voice and showed your frustration, remember that your child will only follow your lead. Remembering that underneath all that rage is a child who only wants to engage and connect with you may help you to remain calm and collected.
If you have lost your temper and shouted, which happens to the best of us, do sit down with him or her later, apologise and ask for a do-over. You could say, “I didn’t mean to yell at you, I’m sorry. That’s not how I want to talk to you. Can we start over?” Remember, it takes real maturity for parents to take accountability for their actions in front of their child.
4: Let the child be angry
Sometimes a child just needs to vent. Everybody gets angry now and then and it’s the same for children. So long as he is not hurting himself or someone else, it is alright that he be allowed to let his feelings out without you engaging in a yelling match with him. However, be there to lend support should he need it.
5: Give clear, short instructions
Tantrums can be avoided with instructions that are brief, simple and to the point. The more specific they are, the better, because they take away room for argument and misunderstanding. Commands like, “Be good” or “Behave yourself in the store” are too vague for a child to understand. Instead, say “Hold on to the cart” Or “Keep your hands to yourself”. Avoid using No, Don’t, Stop or Not to improve compliance as some children will do exactly what you tell them not to do.
6: Know your child’s limits
If you’re out at a shopping complex with your toddler and you know he is tired and over stimulated by all the bright lights and noise, it’s not a good idea to push it and go look at one more store just to check out the sale they are having. Kids have their limits. When over stimulated and exhausted, they will start getting cranky. In no time, you will have a crying fit on your hands. The same applies to children whose mealtime has been postponed to accommodate your timetable. If you’ve heard of the term “Hangry”, you will see hangry on display in your child.
7: Give them a task or enlist their help at the grocery store
Before taking your child to the supermarket or department store, make sure they have eaten, taken their nap and are comfortable in the car during their journey there. Sometimes, looking for parking space alone can take a long while and children could get fidgety and bored during the process. Make sure you bring along an interactive toy to keep them entertained.
While at the supermarket, keep them engaged with activities so their minds and hands are occupied with positive thoughts and behaviour. For instance, you could tell them to bring you certain items, or help choose the vegetable or fruit he would like to eat or look at different coloured signs and name the colours. The fun and educational experience will be so enjoyable he will have no reason to throw a tantrum.
8: Consider their request carefully when your child wants something
If your child wants you to buy him something at the store, consider his request before saying no. If he has asked for it politely, if it is something useful and if it is within your budget, it is OK to let him have it. But do find a way to turn that treat into a reward for good behaviour.
9: Distract them
Children have short attention spans. This means they are easy to distract. If the child is beginning to whine at the supermarket because you won’t buy him the candy bars he wants, divert his attention. You could say, “Let’s go and watch the Ikan Haruan/live crabs in the tank” or “What is that strange-looking fruit over there, look!” And then take him there to investigate.
10: Help undo frustration
Is your child beginning to show frustration because he can’t do the buttons on his shirt or can’t stack up his block tower? Give or show him some tips so he can master the task himself and feel a sense of accomplishment. He will be all smiles at the end of it.
At the End of it All
Handling a toddler tantrum can be trying to say the least. Do remember not to take them personally or that they are questions of your parenting skills. Children will have their crying episodes now and then. It’s just them trying to work out their emotions when they are upset and don’t know what else to do except to vent. A comforting hug to show you understand will often dissipate the tears and calm them down.
Toddler tantrums are usually not a cause for concern and generally stop as the child grows older. But if your child is constantly irritable, disagreeable and argumentative, has frequent temper tantrums, is always refusing to comply with adult requests or rules and is self-harming or hurting others, then you might want to take him to a doctor to check. Sometimes it could be due to a hearing or vision problem, a chronic illness, a learning disability or a mood or behavioural disorder. All of them can be treated, managed or even cured.
For the most part, however, tantrums are not due to health issues, and as children mature and learn how to cooperate, communicate and cope with frustration, tantrums will become a thing of the past in the parenting journey.
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