As parents of young, growing children, life is always busy. We wear many hats, juggling our daily timetables between childcare, household chores and work. As the days go by and our to-do list gets longer and longer, we find that it isn’t often when we can sit back and relax let alone find time to spend with our children.
Yet at the same time, we all know that time flies. In the blink of an eye, that little baby who was in your arms has grown into a preschooler and by the following year, he or she will be entering formal education at Standard One. Before we know it, that child will become an adolescent and soon there will be talk of him leaving for higher education as he grows into a young adult.
Did we miss all those opportunities in his childhood when we could have spent more time in it? Could we have contributed more to their development if we had sent them for more classes them with them? Some parents feel guilty about holding a fulltime job or feel anxious about choosing to work out in the gym or go to dinner with friends instead of spending more time with their children.
Quality Time Vs Quantity Time
But spending more time or long hours with our children doesn’t necessarily mean its quality time spent. Quality does not equate with Quantity.
Consider the scenario of the parent being in the same room with the child for 10 hours a day but neither party is acknowledging or interacting with the other − the child is being babysat by the TV and games console or is playing by himself while the parent is scrolling on the phone or immersed in his or her own work. If there is any exchange between them, it would usually be instructions given from parent to child.
Or, the parent spends all her waking hours doing things for the child. She makes sure she prepares him home-cooked meals, gets him bathed and dressed, drives him to playschool and playdates, then to music, art and swimming classes. The day is always choc-bloc full with activities centered around the child, but not a moment is spent connecting on a meaningful or emotional level with the child.
What is Quality Time?
Quality time is not about being around the child for long hours on end or being constantly on the move to keep the excitement up for the child. That would be Quantity Time.
Quality time is less frenetic than that. It simply means taking a few minutes each day, and giving the child your undivided attention while doing tasks that he or she likes to do.
As the article The Myth of Quality Time defines Quality and Quantity time;
Quality Time refers to spending time together focusing on your relationship. It means not just sitting in the same room at the same time but actively choosing to make time for each other and for your relationship.
Quantity Time refers to the amount of time a parent is physically present with the child but even in the quantity of that time, the parent may only be physically present but not emotionally present.
This is not to say that Quantity Time is not important. Quantity time is often necessary in order for Quality time to happen. However, it isn’t about endless hours of time but how you choose to spend that time together.
Importance of Spending Quality Time
Spending Quality Time with our children has its many benefits. Here are some of them:
Children who get quality time and attention from their parents are less likely to have behavioural issues at home. Because they feel loved, respected and valued, they are less likely to seek attention through disruptive behaviour. These happy, well-adjusted children are also less likely to be defiant or disobedient in school and less likely to seek validation from outside sources such as their friends or peers who may or may not be a good influence on them. According to research, teens who enjoy openness, communication, and understanding with their parents are less likely to be delinquent or want to engage in negative activities such as smoking, drugs and alcohol.
2: Improves Academic Performance
Studies show that children whose parents spend more time with them and who are actively involved and interested in their schooling tend to perform better academically than parents who are passively involved. The encouragement and attention boost the children’s confidence and motivation.
3: Boosts Mental and Emotional Development
Children need to feel loved and cared for. Quality time from parents fosters that sense of belonging and self-worth in them. It is not enough to only be there for important occasions and crises, children need understanding and attention and the gentle strength of the two people they look up to on a regular basis to grow into mentally and emotionally strong individuals.
4: Promotes Adaptability and Resilience
A child’s ability to face failure and life’s changes and challenges is greatly bolstered and improved when the family bond is strong. Being with family and knowing that the family has got their back in any circumstance no matter how bad, that he is cared for and needed gives the child meaning and purpose. This assurance gives motivation for the child to push forward, grow and succeed.
5: Fosters Learning through Observation
Children learn by emulating their parents. They learn how to interact with others based on what they see and hear their parents do and say at home. Through interactions, conversations and activities, children learn essential skills like values as well as social skills like manners, taking turns, active listening and empathy from their primary role models.
6: Strengthens Bonds
Spending quality time together deepens emotional connections between parent and child. It creates lasting memories and fosters a safe open environment where children feel comfortable sharing their feelings and thoughts.
Research has shown that parents who spend quality time with their children can improve their physical health as well. This is because having fun and laughing together is great for everyone’s well-being. Happiness releases “feel good” chemicals in the brain such as dopamine and oxytocin, which are the body’s natural anti-depressants. This, in turn, help us feel closer and more connected to one another.
It has been said that families that play together, stay together. In this sense, spending time together participating in outdoor activities like sports games, hikes, or even gardening together naturally helps improve fitness.
On the flipside, poor family relationships bring unhealthy outcomes. A study in Pediatrics Journal concluded that poor quality mother-and-child relationships early in life (such as the mother not comforting the baby enough) was associated with a 2.45 higher prevalence of obesity for the child when he or she becomes an adolescent.
Make Time for Quality Time
As can be seen from the above, spending quality time with our children is not only crucial for their emotional, mental and cognitive well-being, it also lays the foundation for a solid family bond that lasts generations.
If time is limited, look for ways to make time for quality time. You will be surprised that it may only take a few minutes of your time per day. Here are 18 ways on how to turn short spans of interaction into the most profound moments with your family.
Schedule time to do an activity of your child’s liking. Let them choose. It could be crafting, baking, family game night, or daily reading or story-telling sessions. Be sure to follow through at the scheduled time consistently.
Have a daily “connect” time with your child. Do this face-to-face, if possible; but if this isn’t an option, create a routine for doing so in other ways, such as through a videocall on the phone at a certain time every day or leaving a note under the fridge magnet on the fridge or shared message board in the house.
Create special “traditions” for you and your child − something that can be done regularly. For example, you could have regular family dinners or monthly movie nights or weekend picnics. These activities can become family “traditions” that your child can look forward to.
When spending time with your children, turn off the phone, the TV, don’t check on emails and keep all work concerns away. This will demonstrate that you value your time with them.
Turn daily activities and household chores like cooking, doing the laundry, gardening, or grocery shopping into opportunities for bonding. Get the children involved in making decisions on what they would like to eat, for example, and then chitchat with them while you are preparing the meal together. These activities will also teach them essential life skills.
Tell your children you love them every day. Tell them how important they are to you and how they make you feel.
Physical touch is an important way to express and affection. Whether it's a hug, a kiss, a touch of the hand or a pat on the back, make sure your child knows that you care.
If your child completes his chores without your asking, or does something good or that you’re proud of, acknowledge it with words of appreciation, even if you don’t have the chance do so until the next day.
Make and eat meals with your children whenever possible. This allows for the family to talk to one another while enjoying the meal together. If time is limited, look for simple meals that won’t take up much of your time preparing or simply grab a healthy snack such as an apple and sit for a few minutes to chat with your child.
Allow yourself to let go, be uninhibited and laugh and play with your child and enjoy the game. Or, if there is no time for a full-length game, play with your child during bath time or before you drop her off at preschool. Every little bit of time makes a positive impact!
Laugh and be silly with your child. Tell jokes and laugh with your child. Laughter is great for improving emotional health.
Turn off technology when you spend time with your child. Try not to text, answer calls, scroll through social media, or watch television.
It's not just about the quantity but the quality of time. Active listening, showing genuine interest, and participating enthusiastically are key.
Ask your child about their day, their friends, and their interests. Show that you care about the things that are important to them.
When your child is talking, make sure you're giving them your full attention. Show that you're listening by making eye contact, nodding, and responding to what they're saying. You don’t need to give them advice or provide solutions for their problems but you can lend them your ear, be empathetic and then allow them to come up with their own solutions.
If you have multiple children, ensure each child gets individual attention. It could be a walk, a short chat before bedtime, or a dedicated day out. Having one-on-one time allows you to focus on their specific needs and interests, and allows them to know that they are just as important to you as their siblings.
If your child is passionate about a particular hobby or activity, try to get involved. Whether it's playing a sport together, or building model cars, participating in their interests provides common ground for conversations and interaction and is a great way to bond.
Children's interests change as they grow. Be flexible and willing to adapt to new activities or ways of bonding.