Sibling rivalry refers to the competition, jealousy, and conflict that can arise between siblings. Although it is disconcerting to witness the conflict, it's a common part of family life, especially when siblings are close in age and compete for parental attention, affection, or approval.
This, however, doesn’t mean that all kids will fight with their siblings or that sibling rivalry will become inevitable in families with more than one child. Many children are lucky enough to become the best of friends with their brothers and sisters.
Sometimes, sibling rivalry starts even before the second child joins the family. As you spend time and energy preparing for the arrival of the baby, or looking after the new arrival, the older child might feel jealousy towards the “usurper” of his parents’ attention and act out. These feelings will continue as the children grow and compete for everything from toys to attention. As kids reach different stages of development, their changing needs can also affect how they relate to one another.
It can be frustrating and upsetting to watch — and hear — your kids argue. A household in conflict is stressful for everyone. Yet it can be hard to know how to stop the fighting, or even whether you should get involved.
What Should You Do When Your Kids Fight?
Wherever possible, don't get involved. Step in only if there's a danger of physical harm. If you always intervene, you risk creating other problems. The children may start expecting your help and wait for you to come to their rescue rather than learning to work out the problems on their own. And even if you don't mean to, you could make it seem to one child that you are taking sides and that the other is always being "protected," which could make them even more resentful. The "rescued" kids may feel that they can get away with more because they're always being "saved" by a parent.
As a parent, encourage them to deal with the crisis themselves. If you do step in, try to resolve the problem with your kids, not for them.
When getting involved, here are some steps to consider:
Remember, as kids cope with conflict, they also learn important skills that will serve them for life — like how to value another person's point of view, how to compromise and negotiate, and how to control aggressive impulses.
Tips for Managing Sibling Rivalry
When you are overwhelmed with bickering children, it can be difficult to think clearly and calmly and isolate the real reason behind the arguments. However, it is possible to redirect conflicts by making small, everyday changes. Here are some strategies that can help prevent sibling rivalry and ways to stop it in its tracks.
1: Stay calm, quiet and in control
Pay attention to what your kids are doing so you can intervene before a situation begins or escalates. Keep your cool and your kids will learn to do the same.
2: Create a cooperative environment
Avoid comparing your children, favouring one over the other, or encouraging competition between them. Instead, create opportunities for cooperation and compromise by empowering them to play together, explore their individual curiosities and share time with you.
Don’t forget to set a good example, too. How parents interact with one another sets an example for how children would interact. If your children see that you or your spouse slam doors or have loud arguments, they’re more likely to do the same because they see it as the way their parents handle their issues.
Role modelling is one of the most powerful and effective ways to teach your children how to get along with their siblings. Show your children how to share by dividing up the last piece of cake or working together on a chore. Say sorry when you have a conflict with your spouse and let them hear you saying those words with each other.
3: Celebrate individuality
Children are less likely to fight if they feel you appreciate each of them as an individual. Start by avoiding labels and let each child know that they’re special to you by spending time with them individually. If one child loves to run around outside, grab your sneakers and soak up the sunshine with him. If the other child likes to spend time reading their favourite book, snuggle up next to them. Then, make sure that everyone has the space and time they need to be alone.
This means you should also avoid over-generalizing your child’s characteristics and personality traits. For example, saying one child is “the athletic one” and the other is “the book-smart child” implies their value is dependent on their achievements in certain areas. This might make your athletic child feel not as smart, and your book-smart child feel not as physically fit. These observations may foster animosity between them because of their labelled differences. Instead, empower your children for who they are as individuals without using labels that attach fault or guilt.
4: Set ground rules for acceptable behaviour
Tell the kids to keep their hands to themselves and that there's to be no hitting, cursing, name-calling, yelling, or door slamming. Get their input on the rules, as well as the consequences when they break them. This teaches kids that they're responsible for their own actions, no matter the situation or how provoked they feel and discourage fixating on who is "right" or "wrong."
5: Teach them the difference between equal and fair
Because of their different ages, they’ll have different routines, roles, and responsibilities. Just because something isn’t equal, doesn’t make it unfair. For instance, a younger child might be upset that her older brother gets to go to preschool while she stays at home. She’ll eventually understand that she’ll also get to go to preschool when she’s his age. Another example of being fair but not equal is that you don’t have to give two children the same toy. Instead, give them different toys suited to their ages and interests. This is being fair but not equal.
6: Be mindful about putting the burden on the older child
Asian families especially, expect the older sibling to constantly “know better” and to give in to the younger child. They make him share everything with his baby sister but this can easily spark conflict and resentment. Put the older child’s special toys in a place where the younger child cannot reach them. Teach the younger sibling that just because she’s younger doesn’t mean she’s entitled. Teach her how to respect her older brother and to always ask for his permission before she takes his things. Of course, this is always easier said than done but patience is key.
7: Praise them when they are getting along well
Remember to praise them when you see them sharing on their own and working out their differences in their own way. Remind them that their relationship is special and when they express love and compassion for each other, the whole family grows together.
8: Plan fun family time
Family dinners, playing board games, spending time at the park and doing activities together are great ways for children to bond and share positive memories together. These moments give children less incentive to pick fights with one another and give them opportunities to spend more time with you.
9: Give children problem-solving tools
In order to avoid future disputes, use conflict as an opportunity to provide your children with tools for solving future problems. Demonstrate how they might compromise, share or approach a similar situation in a more positive, and appropriate way.
10: Make discipline private
If a spat between siblings results in the need for discipline, avoid making the conversation public. This can shame a child in front of their siblings, creating greater animosity between them. The time to teach a lesson should be done in private.
Morinaga Chil-kid
It is well known that nutrition can significantly impact a child’s mood and anxieties. While not directly, proper nutrition can indirectly contribute to managing sibling rivalry by supporting overall well-being and emotional regulation. A balanced diet with all the necessary nutrients helps children feel better which can reduce stress and irritability, potentially lessening the frequency and intensity of arguments.
Morinaga Chil-kid is a nutrient-dense growing up milk specially made for Asian children aged one to seven. Packed and carefully balanced with 45 essential nutrients such as ARA+DHA, Inositol, GOS, 5 Nucleotides, Omega 3&6 Long Chain Polyunsaturated fatty acids, Protein and 21 key vitamins and minerals including all the B vitamins, iron and zinc.
Inositol itself is a B vitamin. Known also as Vitamin B8, it has many benefits. Apart from playing a crucial role in brain and neurotransmitter development, it also helps regulate brain chemicals that influence cognition, behaviour and mood, thereby lessening anxieties, irritability and other mental health issues.
The new and improved Morinaga Chil-kid is completely free of sucrose, is less sweet and features a subtle vanilla taste. Just two servings of the milk per day complemented by meals ensures that the child gets his or her daily recommended Nutrition Intake (RNI) to satisfy their fast-growing needs.
Backed by more than 100 years of Morinaga R&D in Japan, Morinaga Chil-kid’s formulation is based on the international standard of growing up milk formula and the latest scientific research. Produced from dairy farms to the packing process in the Netherlands, the milk goes through a double inspection process in the Netherlands and in Japan before it is exported to Malaysia.