Tearful, tantrum-filled goodbyes and refusal to go to nursery or daycare are common during a child’s earliest years. At around the first birthday, many kids develop separation anxiety, and get distressed when a parent, grandparent, or other primary caregiver tries to leave them with someone else.
Although the episodes of excessive crying and clinginess can be unsettling, separation anxiety is actually a perfectly normal part of childhood development, and a beautiful sign that your child has developed a meaningful attachment to you.
Understanding what your child is going through and having a few ways to cope can help both of you get through it.
About Separation Anxiety
Separation anxiety varies widely among children. While some children never develop it, others become hysterical when you are out of sight for a very short time. Some children seem to show ongoing anxiety at separations during toddlerhood and preschool.
Just before 1 year of age, children develop a sense of "object permanence[1]." It’s the realization that things and people exist even when they cannot be seen, heard or touched.
Object permanence is actually an important milestone in a child’s brain development. It’s the first step to other types of symbolic understanding and reasoning, such as pretend play, memory development, and language development.
Before they develop object permanence, very young children think that when they can't see their caregiver, that means they've gone away for good. They don't understand the concept of time, so they don't know that this person will come back, and can become upset by their absence. For example, whether the caregiver is in the kitchen, in the next bedroom, or at the office, it's all the same to the child who might cry until mom is nearby again.
Children at 1 year old are growing into more independent toddlers, yet they are even more uncertain about being separated from a parent. This is when separation anxiety develops.
Whether you need to go into the next room for just a few seconds, leave your child with a babysitter, or drop off your child at daycare, your child might now react by crying, clinging to you, and resisting attention from others.
The timing of separation anxiety can vary. Some kids might go through it later, between 18 months and 2½ years of age. For others, certain life stresses can trigger feelings of anxiety about being separated from a parent such as a new childcare situation or caregiver, a new sibling, moving to a new place, or tension at home.
How Long Does It Last?
How long separation anxiety lasts can vary, depending on the child and how family members respond. In some cases, depending on a child's temperament, separation anxiety can last from toddlerhood through the primary school years.
Separation anxiety that affects an older child's normal activities can be a sign of a deeper anxiety disorder. This is when you will need to discuss the problem with a paediatrician.
Separation Anxiety Disorder
Separation Anxiety Disorder (SAD) is different from normal separation anxiety in that it is a persistent and intense anxiety in children about being separated from their parents. SAD is more severe than normal for their age and can show symptoms which can include extreme distress at separation, physical complaints like headaches or stomachaches, nightmares about separation, and refusal to go to school. In these instances of SAD, the child may need to go through treatment at the doctor’s.
How to Handle Separation Anxiety
Separation anxiety can make it difficult to leave your child at the nursery or in someone else's care. You may feel distressed by their tears and worry about the effect on your child every time you need to leave them.
However, do remember it's only natural for your child to feel anxious without you, so there's no reason to feel guilty when you need to get on with other parts of your life.
Instead of feeling bad when you have to leave them, focus on helping your child understand and deal with their feelings so they feel more secure. They'll learn that if you leave them, they will be OK and you will come back. If your child is old enough, you can talk to them about what's happening, where you're going and when you'll be with them again.
By leaving your child with another caregiver, you won't damage them. You're actually helping them learn to cope without you, and that's an important step towards their growing independence.
Here are some tips that can help children and parents survive separation anxiety:
1: Timing Matters
Try not to start daycare or childcare with an unfamiliar person when your child is around the age of 1 year, when separation anxiety is first likely to appear. Also, try not to leave when your child is tired, hungry, unwell or restless. If at all possible, schedule your departures for after naps and mealtimes.
2: Practice being Apart
Practice being apart from each other, and introduce new people and places slowly. You can send your child over to the grandparent’s home, schedule playdates, and allow friends to provide childcare for you (even for an hour) on the weekend. If your child is starting at a new daycare centre or preschool, make a few visits there together before the full-time schedule begins. Practice leaving your child with a caregiver for short periods so that your child can have a chance to prepare and experience being away from you.
3: Create Quick Goodbye Rituals
Even if you have to give triple kisses, do exaggerated hand movements or provide a special blanket or toy as you leave, keep the goodbyes short and sweet. If you linger, the transition time does too. So will the anxiety.
2: Be Consistent
Try to do the same drop-off with the same ritual at the same time each day you separate. A routine can diminish the heartache and will allow your child to simultaneously build trust in their independence and in you.
3: Stay Calm and Confident
When it’s time for the parting, say a pleasant, loving, and firm goodbye. Stay calm and show confidence in your child. Reassure them that you'll be back and explain when you'll return using concepts children will understand (such as after lunch). Give your full attention when you say goodbye, and when you say you're leaving, mean it. Coming back to check back on them will only make things worse.
4: Keep your Promise
It's important to make sure that you return when you have promised to. This is critical — this is how your child will build trust in you and develop the confidence that they can make it through the time apart.
5: Be Specific, Child Style
When you discuss your return, provide specifics that your child understands. If you know you’ll be back by 3pm, tell it to your child in terms that they understand. For example, say: "I’ll be back after nap time and before afternoon snack." Define time in the way that they can understand. Talk about your return from a business trip in terms of "sleeps." Instead of saying, "I’ll be home in 3 days," say, "I’ll be home after 3 sleeps."
6: Talk about What You'll do Together later
Talk to your child about what you're going to do when you see them again so they have something to look forward to with you. For example, you could say: "When Mummy comes back to pick you up, we'll go to the shop together to get food for dinner."
Morinaga Chil-kid
If your child is going through separation anxiety, nutrition can help as it supports brain development and mood regulation through specific nutrients. A diet rich in omega-3 fatty acids, magnesium, prebiotics, and B vitamins can help calm the nervous system and stabilize blood sugar to prevent mood swings.
Morinaga’s Chil-kid step 3, made for children aged 1 to 3 is packed with 45 carefully-balanced nutrients such as DHA and ARA, Inositol, GOS, 5 Nucleotides, Omega 3&6 Long-Chain Polyunsaturated Fatty Acids (LCPs) and 21 Vitamins and Minerals, including the full range of B vitamins and magnesium.
Chil-kid 3’s DHA (Docosahexaenoic acid) and ARA (Arachidonic acid), are essential Omega 3 & 6 fatty acids that are vital for a child's development as they support cognitive function, brain development, visual acuity and mood regulation for children in the toddler stage. Children’s brains grow the fastest during their first 3 years. Together with Inositol, which promotes synapse formation and brain connectivity, these nutrients support overall cognitive function and better mental health.
The 5 Nucleotides are building blocks for DNA which deliver energy for cell metabolism while GOS, or galacto-oligosaccharides, act as food for beneficial gut bacteria. GOS helps promote a healthy gut microbiome to improve digestion and boost immunity.
Chil-kid 3 does not contain Sucrose and are specially formulated for Asian children according to their respective ages and nutritional needs. Both formulas dissolve easily in lukewarm water and feature a subtle vanilla taste that children love. Just two to three servings a day alongside meals, Chil-kid 3 helps children meet their daily Recommended Nutrient Intake (RNI) and fill in nutritional gaps should there be deficiencies in their diet.
Chil-kid 3 is the result of over 100 years of child nutrition research by Japanese scientists. The focus is on how nutrition supports immune health, brain health, physical growth and cognitive development. Everything in the formulation such as DHA, ARA, GOS, 5 Nucleotides, is backed by research and are tested and refined by the Morinaga R&D Institute in Japan.
Wholly produced from dairy farms to the packaging process in a state-of-the-art plant in the Netherlands, both milk formulas are fully imported and go through stringent hygiene processes as well as a double inspection process with samples sent to Japan for a second inspection before they are shipped to Malaysia.
[1]Morgan, K. K. (2023, November 21). Object permanence: How do babies learn it? WebMD. https://www.webmd.com/baby/what-age-do-babies-have-object-permanence